So I am at the library right now and I felt the need to write. I left my dorm because I couldn’t bear to be there anymore and decided to start walking. Had no idea where I was going but decided to walk. I have done this a couple times when life was unbearable and I my roommates where there. So I guess as I was walking I decided to stop at the library and write.

So basically my life is falling apart right now. Well, more accurately, I am falling apart. I hate seeing the new DBT therapist. I am depressed. I have been getting really sick and I don’t even know what it is. At first they said that I kept having breathing problems because I had something really serious wrong with me and now they tell me it may just be stress. I guess it pretty much sux either way. If it is something serious then I can’t really do anything about it because I don’t have insurance. If it is just stress then the whole thing is my fault for not being able to manage it. I guess it is better that it is just stress. Well actually, idk. I am at the point that I really don’t care if I had something serious wrong with me. I actually think it would make it easier. I mean if I was going to die anyways of some disease then it would be easier to simply kill myself. It would actually make sense to other people. There would be some physical reason that they could understand.

*sigh* Idk how I feel right now. I just don’t care anymore. This weekend I kinda reached my breaking point. I had a meltdown. It was basically just sitting and crying for 20 mins. Lol. I know, crying is stupid but I just couldn’t deal with it. I was exhausted and I had tons of stuff to do and I couldn’t focus and I felt horrible and basically just couldn’t deal with it all anymore. So yah, I got really upset and then got over it as usual. But idk, it was different. Like my will to fight is over. For years I have been constantly fighting. Sometimes fighting to live, sometimes to die, sometimes for control, but whatever it was I was always fighting. Most times I was fighting for two complete opposite extremes. And the whole time it was incredibly exhausting and painful but I survived. This is how I lived. Now I don’t care to fight anymore. Like I have said that before but it was more of saying it. This is feeling it. It isn’t me mentally deciding that I don’t want to fight anymore, it is my mind and body deciding for me. I had an episode of not breathing today but that was my fault. I let it happen. I was stressed out and exhausted in the first place. Then I went to talk to my comp sci professor and she told me that I had missed a test this morning and I couldn’t make it up. They drop the lowest test score so the 0 will just be dropped, but I needed that test. I didn’t do all that great on the past 2 and I at least needed the chance to do better. I probably would have done horrible because I have been so far behind on everything but I needed the chance. I then was running around to get there on time and then get to Physics and I just couldn’t breathe. I guess I let myself stop breathing because I was frustrated and angry. I probably could have controlled it if I really tried but I was angry at myself. I had paramedics again. I didn’t really want them, I just wanted someone to take me back to my dorm so I could use my nebulizer, but whatever.

Anyways, I might stop writing now. Idk where I am going to go. I kinda want to just walk. Like I don’t even care if I stay on campus. I want to go until I can’t anymore. I don’t care where I end up. I brought the scarf that I use to choke myself in case I want to use it but idk what I am going to do. I am honestly falling apart to the point that I don’t even care to kill myself. I mean, to go through with the act of taking my life requires a level of anger. I have to want to do it. Right now I don’t want anything. I don’t care about anything. I know it is totally cliché but I really just want to fall asleep and not wake up. I don’t want the pain of killing myself, I don’t want the experience, I don’t care to put in the effort, I just want it all to go away. I can’t deal with life anymore. I am exhausted. I really just don’t care anymore. I have completely lost the will to fight for anything, including death. How pathetic is it when I am so exhausted and falling apart to the point that I can’t even kill myself. I guess when your entire survival is a constant internal war then when you stop fighting there is nothing left. The really crappy part is that I can’t talk to anyone about this even if I wanted to. I saw the psychologist guy tonight and wanted to say something to him about how I hated the DBT lady and was being forced to do all this crap but he didn’t ask, and I felt like I shouldn’t bring it up. Idk why I didn’t. I was sitting there wanting to but I couldn’t bring myself to say anything.  I just felt like I shouldn’t even tho I wanted to. I kinda wish I would have because maybe he would have been able to at least help a little but but I didn’t. I guess it doesn’t matter now. A part of me wants to e-mail my old therapist. I know that she isn’t supposed to see me anymore but at least she listened. Right now I desperately need someone to listen. I guess since I no longer am fighting to die I don’t really want it. At least at the moment I don’t. But I am falling apart and I can’t really live either. I guess if I don’t do something then I am going to die. I don’t see the psychologist guy for 2 weeks and I have to go back to the DBT lady on Monday. I hate talking to her tho. Everytime I don’t want to do something she just threatens me with the stupid contract. I hate the idiot people for making me sign a contract. I hate them for messing with my life. They are killing me. They have taken away my options. I could have tried to survive but no, they had to ruin it. Now I either do what they want or die. I do a program that I didn’t think was going to work or I die. I have nothing to go back to if I leave here. Being here is my only chance at any future at all even if I don’t really believe in it. If I leave here then I have nothing. Yet I am a liability to them so they have to deal with me as such. They are going to kill me just to protect themselves. If they would shut up for a minute and listen to me then maybe they could help but no. They have to destroy my life. I hate the idiot people for killing me. They are so concerned about not being legally responsible if I die that they are going to kill me. They are killing me. But who cares about that. As long as I am no longer a liability. God I hate life.

Anyways, I don’t really have much else to say at the moment so I guess I am going to go. I am basically going to walk until I don’t feel like it anymore. I have no idea where I am going. It isn’t exactly a huge campus so I don’t have a whole lot of places that I can go. I might go off campus. That definitely increases the danger of something happening but I don’t really care at the moment. I mean, worse that could happen is that someone kidnaps me and kills me. Then I wouldn’t have to do it myself. Well actually worse that could happen is that I get raped. That would definitely be more horrible than death. But then I think I would be able to do it. That would give me the motivation. That would give me the anger so I guess I don’t really care anymore. I don’t care what happens. I pretty much don’t care about anything at the moment. I am exhausted. I don’t want to fight. I don’t want to deal with it.